


No Longer

by eyeseathevision



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Break Up, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jaemin is trying to cope and he has the best friends in the world, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, like one sentence referencing the past dw, past Nomin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16663987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyeseathevision/pseuds/eyeseathevision
Summary: Jaemin goes through a rough breakup, but his friends are there to help.





	No Longer

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to cope with a recent breakup I just had with my long-distance bf so uhhh have fun crying!

      “I know it might be too soon to ask, but do you think we could still be friends?”

      Jaemin looked at the boy in front of him, and felt his heart break even more.

      Jeno’s eyes were squeezed tightly shut and tears leaked from the corners, dripping down his face and onto the pavement below. He was furiously trying to wipe them away as they came, but he couldn’t catch them all. Jaemin wanted to reach out so badly, but he knew that probably wasn’t a good idea. His hands remained balled up at his sides.

      Jeno let out a shuddering gasp. “I….I didn’t want to be another person who would hurt you, Jaemin.” A sob wracked through his entire body, and despite the heaviness of Jaemin’s heart, he felt sympathy for the other boy. Jaemin shook his head and forced a small smile through his own tears.

      “It’s okay, Jen. It’s okay because it’s you.”

      This made Jeno cry harder, and he buried his face into his arms.

 

_       It’s not anything that you have or haven’t done. I don’t think I’m happy and I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I think we should break up. _

 

_       What? I….don’t understand. _

 

_       I’m so sorry, Jaemin. _

 

      Jaemin felt someone shaking his shoulders, and he looked up into Jeno’s puffy red eyes. He looked really worried. “Nana? Did you hear me?”

      Jaemin felt wetness on his hands, which were clasped in his lap. He realized that he had started to cry harder. He wiped his hands on his pant legs and met Jeno’s eyes again. “What did you say?”

      Jeno removed his hands from Jaemin’s shoulders and sniffed. “I asked what was going through your mind just now.”

      Jaemin shook his head. “I….I don’t know. I didn’t expect this. I don’t know what to do.”

      Jeno nodded and sniffed a few more times, trying to regain control over his crying. “I want you to know that I’m still here for you, Nana. I still care about you.” 

      It was Jaemin’s turn to screw his eyes shut and become overwhelmed with sobs that shook his whole body. He heard Jeno crying in front of him, but the other boy didn’t touch him. Jaemin wished he would. He needed some form of physical contact to keep him grounded, but he never got it. He felt his body split into two and watched as one hovered above the other like some sort of puppeteer. He hadn’t dissociated this bad in a long time, but it was too late to come back down.

      Jeno was saying something, but he couldn’t hear any of it. It sounded like he was underwater. Mustering all of what little composure he had left, Jaemin whispered, “I think I’m gonna go now.”

      Jeno looked at him, still wearing an expression of concern. “Are you going to be okay?”

      Jaemin forced himself to smile slightly, in hopes that it would put Jeno at ease. “Yeah, I’ll be okay.”

      Without hesitating, Jaemin turned away and walked across the street to his dorm building, away from his best friend, away from the love of his life, and away from Jeno’s painful sobs.

      Jeno didn’t need to know that he would cry himself to sleep that night.

 

      “And so I was like, ‘Mark, aren’t you supposed to be the responsible one here?’, and you should have  _ seen _ his face, Jaemin, it was the funniest-”

      “Hyuck?” Jaemin interrupted shakily. His friend, Donghyuck, immediately stopped talking and looked at him closely from across Jaemin’s dorm room bed. He scooted a little closer.

      “Jae, what’s going on?” Donghyuck asked gently, his joking manner from before completely gone.

      Jaemin’s lip quivered. “Jeno dumped me last night.” 

      Donghyuck’s worried face morphed into one of empathy. “Oh, baby….” He wrapped an arm around Jaemin’s shoulders and started rubbing the boy’s back. “Jae, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

      Jaemin accidentally let out a loud sob, and Donghyuck tightened his arm around him. “I don’t know what to do.”

      Donghyuck put a hand on Jaemin’s knee, which was brought up to his chest. “Did you guys have a fight?”

      “N-no,” Jaemin whispered. “He said he wasn’t happy, and he needs to figure out some things. We’re...still friends.”

      Donghyuck looked skeptical. “Are you, or do you still have feelings for him?”

      Jaemin buried his face in his knees, feeling his body tremble violently. “Of c-course I do. I still love him, Hyuck. That doesn’t just go away overnight.”

      Donghyuck nodded. “In that sense, wouldn’t he still love you too?”

      Jaemin sighed. “That’s not the point. It’s not that he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s that he’s not happy being with me.”

      Saying the words out loud ripped his heart in two all over again.

 

      “What are you thinking about?” Jeno asked softly. They were sitting on a bench in the campus park, surrounded by the vibrant fall foliage that usually brought Jaemin so much joy. He and Jeno would walk to class together, hot chocolates clasped firmly in their hands that weren’t holding each other, and go out of their way to experience the satisfying crunch of walking on fallen leaves.  

      Jaemin’s hands were empty and cold now, and he shoved them deep into his jacket pockets. “I dunno.” He snuck a glance at Jeno, who was looking at him carefully. “What?”

      “It’s okay if you’re not okay,” Jeno said slowly. “You can tell me.”

_       I can’t _ . “I’ll be okay.”

      “It’s okay if you aren’t,” Jeno repeated.

_       It’s not. _ “I know.”

      They sat in silence for a few minutes. The air was crisp and breezy, making its way through the creases of Jaemin’s coat to chill his upper body. He shivered.

      Instead of holding his hand, or offering him his jacket, or putting an arm around him, Jeno stood up. “I should probably head to work.”

_       Don’t go.  _ Jaemin nodded. “I’ll see you around.”

      And he was gone.

 

      Jaemin was having a bad night.

      It had been a few days since the breakup, and he had been in a confusing state of dissociation and anxiety the whole time. It was a weekend night, so he couldn’t distract himself with homework or assignments. Not that he would have been able to focus anyway. He had put on some music to listen to, but the first song that started playing was one that Jeno had shown him months ago. Therefore, Jaemin was now sobbing into his pillow.

      None of his friends were around. They were all either busy or were hanging out with each other, and Jaemin didn’t want to bother them. At the same time, he didn’t want to be alone, and his mind felt like it was breaking. 

      It wasn’t that he thought they didn’t care - it was that they cared about their other friends more. Hung out with their other friends more. Liked their other friends more. 

      They had been inviting Jaemin to hang out with them, but he always felt like an outsider, so he stopped messaging them. No one reached out to him.

      He briefly thought about digging up his old knife, but he knew that he shouldn't do that. He didn’t want to worry his friends either.

      So he kept crying, until he finally passed out on the tear-stained pillowcase.

_       I just want to be loved. _

 

      “C’mon Jaemin, I promise that it’ll make you feel better!” Donghyuck pleaded through the phone. Jaemin continued pacing around his room, anxious fingers playing with his shirt collar.

      “I don’t think it will, Hyuck. I’m sorry.” Jaemin swallowed the lump in his throat. “I think I’m gonna skip out on tonight.”

      There was a pause, then a heavy sigh. “I didn’t want to have to do this.”

      “What are you talking about?”

      There was what sounded like the crackle of static, and Donghyuck called out, “Move in boys, get him!”

      Before Jaemin could begin to piece together what was happening, the door to his dorm room flew open. Two figures had burst in, and in a flash one of them had picked Jaemin straight up and slung him over their shoulder. Jaemin hung upside down and flailed around, but the person holding him had a firm grip on the back of his legs. The other figure was quick to grab Jaemin’s jacket, keys, and ID card before they exited the room.

      Even though he was upside down and disoriented, Jaemin could make the second figure out to be his friend Chenle. There was no mistaking his fluffy mint green hair, or his ear-splitting laugh as Jaemin tried to crawl up the leg of his kidnapper. The three of them entered the elevator, Jaemin groaning at his closeness to the grimy floor. “I swear to god, if you don’t put me down in the next three seconds I will- ”

      Chenle laughed and knelt down next to him. “We’re doing this to help you, hyung. You’ll understand.”

      Jaemin huffed and pouted. “I don’t think so.”

      The elevator dinged, and the door creakily slid open. To Jaemin’s horror, a group of girls were waiting outside, and he squeezed his eyes shut in embarrassment. Chenle parted the crowd, saying, “Make way, special delivery coming through.” Jaemin swore to kick his ass later as he heard the girls giggling behind him.

      Finally they made it outside, where Donghyuck was waiting, leaning against a car Jaemin recognized as Mark’s. Donghyuck fell to the ground laughing when he caught sight of Jaemin’s fingertips grazing the pavement. The person holding Jaemin grabbed him by the waist and carefully set him on the ground. Jaemin glared at Mark indignantly.

      Before he could open his mouth to start yelling, Chenle shoved his jacket into his arms. “Here, hyung, you’re going to get cold!”

      The younger boy was right. It was mid-October, and the nights were starting to get chilly. On top of that, Jaemin was very sensitive to temperature, and would start shaking once it dipped below fifty degrees.

      Mark was trying to pick Donghyuck up from the ground, but the other boy was laughing too hard to keep his balance, and Jaemin couldn’t help but join in. Mark was pretending to be mad at Donghyuck, who had literal tears running down his face.

      “You fucking  _ dumbass _ , why can’t you just act NORMAL!”

      Jaemin and Chenle held their stomachs, which were starting to cramp up from laughing so hard. Jaemin didn’t even know why they were laughing at this point, but he wasn’t going to worry about it. It felt good. 

      Eventually, Mark ran out of steam and scooped Donghyuck up in his arms, opening one of the back doors to his car and quite literally tossing him in. Chenle jumped in after him, leaving Jaemin to climb into the passenger seat. 

      He crossed his arms and pulled a straight face. “So you got me. Now what?” He ignored Chenle’s hushed “ _ gottem _ ” from behind him.

      For once, Donghyuck looked serious, even as he reached around the driver’s seat to pull at Mark’s ears. “You’ve been isolating, Jae. You can’t hide from us.”

      “It’s okay to want space,” Mark interjected. “But we were worried about you.”

      “I’m okay, guys, really,” Jaemin grumbled. He could be wallowing in self pity underneath his four blankets right now. He thought about making a run for it.

      Then Chenle put his chin on the passenger’s seat, next to Jaemin’s shoulder. “I missed you, hyung.”

      Jaemin was too stunned to speak, and taking advantage of the moment, Mark started up his car and began to drive. They screeched out of the parking lot and into the night.

 

      Half an hour later, they arrived at the beach. They walked past a large “No trespassing past 9pm” sign, Donghyuck turning around and giving Jaemin an exaggerated wink before promptly tackling Mark into the sand.

      “Hyuck, I swear to g- ”

      “Your god can’t help you now!” Donghyuck crowed.

      Next to Jaemin, Chenle held his stomach from laughing so much. “Hyung, give me a piggyback ride!”

      Jaemin knelt down to let the younger boy hop on, and they took off across the sand, Chenle shrieking in delight. Jaemin spun around in circles until he tripped over his own feet and face-planted into a piece of seaweed. Chenle landed heavily on top of him.

      “Oof! Hyung….what are you doing?”

      Jaemin spit out the seaweed in disgust. “Gross, this does  _ not _ taste like the miso soup from that Japanese place down the street.”

      The sand was soft but cold under him, and Jaemin began to take off his shoes and socks. Despite it being mid-autumn, it felt nice and cool between his toes. Chenle made to strip off his shoes as well. They were joined by Donghyuck, and Mark, who was covered in sand. He shook it out of his hair before sitting down next to them.

      “I brought weed to share, if you guys wanna smoke,” announced Donghyuck, digging around in his small backpack. They all nodded enthusiastically. While Donghyuck prepared his pipe, Jaemin leaned back until he was laying down in the sand. He closed his eyes.

      He felt Chenle lay down beside him. “Hyung, look at the stars.”

      Jaemin’s eyes fluttered open. Across the wide expanse of clear night sky, the forest of stars twinkled down at him. As overwhelming as it was, Jaemin found a certain calm in being enveloped by the universe.

      Donghyuck got the pipe going around, and after a dozen rounds, Jaemin felt weightless. The sand sank beneath him, but still held him close. He strangely wasn’t cold anymore. He made a mental note to ask Donghyuck where he got the weed from, because it must have been a new dealer - Donghyuck’s usual stuff didn’t have much of an effect on him. He could hear the others murmuring to each other, but it sounded very far away. Jaemin looked back up at the stars.

      He thought about how significant he was - out of all the history of the universe, it was  _ him _ that these stars shined down upon in this moment. It wasn’t a selfish thought - it was one of honor. How lucky he was, to be exactly where he was right now. Donghyuck was chasing an angry Mark around in the sand, trying to pants him, and Chenle sat himself beside Jaemin and snuggled into his side.

      Maybe he’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways i wish i had friends like these fictional representations of mark, hyuck, and chenle :')


End file.
